Time to grow

Well here I am again. Back at the beginning, back at Day 1 (well actually it's now day 2 but that doesn't sound so good!). I've just read back over some of my previous blogs, and whilst they have inspired me, they also make me feel a little sad. It was over a year ago that I first recognised the toxicity of alcohol (particularly for me) and embarked on my sobriety journey. It's been, just like my weigh loss journey for the past god knows how many years, a familiar and well trodden path........ Starts off great, making good progress, seeing results. Then the novelty wears off, I think I can "get away" with being a bit more relaxed (one glass of wine won't hurt right?) and then slowly the wheels fall off. It's a familiar pattern, one I have learned to beat myself up about over the years but one that I've never been able to change. I thought it was my destiny. I thought I was one of those "all or nothing" people. So what's different now?

Over the past few months I've made some changes. I've invested in me. And not just with another bucketload of new clothes (although I'm not going to lie there have been a few of them too!). I got some help. Firstly with an amazing emotional eating coach, Georgina, and with that a group of fabulously supportive women who were just like me. And then with a new and brilliant counsellor, Annie. 

Previously I thought I was being brave by tackling my weight loss with tough diets and self enforced sobriety (well it felt bloody tough so I must be brave for doing it), what I never realised is that all the time I was shying away from doing the really brave stuff - being honest with myself. Recognising, understanding and crucially dealing with the feelings that were driving me to eat and drink as a coping mechanism. 

I'm still very much on a journey of self discovery & growth (not sure if that sounds super pretentious or like I've turned into a flower power hippy, but I can't think of a better way of putting it!). I guess the thing that has really changed this time round is that I'm leaning into the process and enjoying it. I never understood that term "leaning in" before but I think I do now and it feels good. Scary, but good. 

I could waffle on for hours, and I probably will over the next few days but for now I just want to share one win from yesterday. I sat during the evening quite happily with a sparkling water, I wasn't craving alcohol and when we got a takeaway for dinner (it was Father's Day and a treat) I chose something packed with vegetables to at least give me some nutrition. Then I went to bed, relaxed with a face mask and some TV. So far so good. Then 11pm came, the lights were out and the familiar itchy feeling came. I couldn't get to sleep, I was tossing and turning. My anxiety kicked in that I was going to be super late getting to sleep and then starting the week tired again. The little devil on my shoulder perked up......"maybe one drink would help? I think you might be hungry - just pop down and get some crisps". I turned on my light and sat up. I was right on the edge of that well trodden path again. Then I heard a replay of my last coaching call with Georgina in my head. One where talked about the things that help me relax. So this time I picked up my phone and pressed play on a hypnosis app. I couldn't tell you if it was good or bad.....I was asleep within minutes! I think that's what George would call "showing up for myself". Well, whatever it is, this morning I feel good. Not because I scraped my way through my an evening of not drinking, because I made a good decision for me. I looked after myself. And it feels good.

So until next time

SMB x