Struggling :-(

Just when I thought things were getting easier the past couple of days have been a real struggle. Overall I've been in a good mood - I feel more lighthearted than I have done in years - but the wine and whisky witch have been in full flow. To try to explain how it feels, imagine you are out for a run or a bike ride. You are at the top of the hill, taking in the view and feeling great, then you have the freewheel down the hill which is fun, easy and you feel free. Suddenly you're at the bottom of the valley and its ok but a bit dark and before you know it you've got a massive hill to climb and no energy left to do it. Just like that bike ride, it didn't feel like it was something inside me that changed, but the environment I was in. The evening stress of battling the kids to bed, rushing to get dinner ready, ever worsening hayfever symptoms and tension between me and my husband (kind of inevitable in the lockdown pressure pot) were just too much to cope with. I wanted wine to block it out, or whiskey, or gin - I didn't care. I just needed the hit of alcohol to make it all feel better. I didn't want to drink though. I knew that one drink would push me right back to the beginning again and I didn't want to go there. I wanted to move forwards.

So how did I cope? On Friday I stayed up watching TV. We were part way through Little Boy Blue. I thought as it was something I was engrossed in it would help take my mind off it. But it didn't. I was still watching my husband drinking and when the main character poured himself a glass of whisky - it was just too much. I wanted to scream, and shout and run as fast as I could away from it all. But it was 10:30pm and screaming & shouting would wake the kids and quite frankly I didn't have the energy to run. So I made myself a hot chocolate. That helped for a few minutes, until my husband complained that I was making too much noise gulping it down - suddenly all the soothing qualities of it vanished. I know he suffers with misophonia which means certain noises (especially eating/drinking noises) really affect him and mostly I try to avoid creating any trigger sounds, but sometimes I can't. Sometimes I need to eat or drink however I need to without worrying about any noises.  I felt emotionally drained and so I went to bed.

Last night I felt the same tensions building. It had been a roller coaster of a day. My time with the boys had mostly been fun and lighthearted, but growing tensions with my husband had started to put me on edge. In all honesty I couldn't face anyone or anything. So I went to bed. It was 9pm, I had a primula sandwich for dinner, took another antihistamine and went to sleep. I'd had enough, and sleep was the best thing I could do. I read somewhere (probably SoberMummy) that when you get these craving attacks, think of the kids book "We're going on a bear hunt". We can't go over it, we can't go under it, so we have to go through it. Well I have to say I went for a 4th option - I avoided it and slept through it. And it worked.

This morning I'm feeling groggy from hayfever (and probably double dose of antihistamine!) but better. Happy to get up when the kids woke me up and with words flowing to write this blog. Today we are visiting my parents for a socially distanced catch up. They drink wine so will be interesting to see how I get on today - fingers crossed for a no cravings day! 

SMB xx