Things just need to change

I can tell you exactly when I knew I needed to quit drinking. It was whilst reading The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley (aka Sober Mummy / http://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com/). I'd been suffering with increasing anxiety and depression for years and with that my alcohol consumption had escalated. A normal night would be a least a bottle of wine (usually white, sometimes rose, rarely red) and then often one or more extra large whiskies as a nightcap. And that was just an average night. There was so much that I was unhappy with about my life but here's a few:

- I'm overweight (about 5-6 stone overweight despite constant dieting attempts)
- I'm suffering with anxiety & depression (and was at the time signed off work with depression)
- I always feel knackered with not much energy for exercise
- My hair is frizzy
- My skin keeps getting breakouts (especially at the wrong time of the month) and I look much older than other 40 year olds
- I regularly lose my temper with my kids or husband - almost always when I've been drinking or am hungover
- I know I'm losing friends from talking shit when I'm drunk
- I've lost all my drive for my career or hobbies
- I'm pretty much broke despite earning a decent salary

As I read Clare's book I felt like she was writing my story.....and as I turned the pages I heard more and more how her first year sober had improved all the areas of her life that I was feeling crap about so it seemed like a perfect solution. 

I'm not going to lie, the idea of going completely sober forever was terrifying. Wine seemed to be almost part of my personality. I could usually guarantee that at least one present for birthday or christmas would be alcohol related. Often wine but more recently gin. I've always avoided gin due to a family history of aggression related to it but recently I'd given it a go in an attempt to reduce the wine consumption. But of course all I did was drink excessive amounts of gin! No measuring and they just got stronger and stronger.

So something had to change.....and it did. 

For 6 weeks I quit the drink completely. And I felt great. I had the first week of tiredness and withdrawal as I expected but slowly I started to feel so much better...........And then the coronavirus pandemic hit. 

For someone who suffered with anxiety and depression it would be very easy to understand me turning to drink as an escape route, but it wasn't that. It was Zoom calls. Suddenly my life that had typically been pretty quiet, work & family focused with regular morning cuppas with friends and evenings spent mostly at home watching tv seemed to be filled with Zoom calls and quizzes watching others drinking. My husband hadn't stopped drinking with me but as he drinks beer and not wine or gin I could deal with that, but suddenly I was staring at crisp cold glasses of white wine and fancy G&Ts. And I caved. I started with a glass of red (as I could usually limit my consumption of red) but of course it was just the start of a slippery downwards slope. Before long I was drinking more than ever. It was now regularly 2 bottles of wine a night (plus the whisky too). And what's happened? I'm back arguing with the husband, and snapping at the kids, and I'm putting on weight again.

So this is take 2. Over the past few days I've listened to the audio book of The Sober Diaries (I found it easier to find time to fit that in rather than trying to pick up the book again) and it's re-inspired me. So yesterday was day 1 and now we're on day 2. It's tough, I knew it would be, but I really want to stick to it this time and stop poisoning my body and mind.

It's been a long first post so I'll leave it there for now but watch this space and keep your fingers crossed for me. 

SMB xx
Location: United Kingdom

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