Is sobriety the silver bullet?

I've been quiet for a while but still sober and still feeling the benefits. I'm actually kind of glad I fell off the wagon at the start of lockdown - it helped me realise how toxic alcohol really was for me and has made it easier to resist the temptations this time round. I'm still kind of scared of the thought of never drinking again. I don't know what there is to be scared of - it just seems like a big leap, but at the same time I don't want to ever feel the negative effects of alcohol again. In some ways lockdown is making sobriety easier. Once I got over the initial hurdle of the first couple of weeks, it's been pretty easy to help myself to an alcohol free drink at home and I'm becoming pretty accustomed to the taste and still get that sense of relief at the end of the day. Interestingly I will often only have 1 or 2 and then move to water or tea (or hot chocolate) whereas I could never stop at 1 or 2 when I was drinking. I do still miss whiskey though. I haven't found a credible substitute for it and seeing people drinking it on TV is a massive trigger for me. But hot chocolate definitely helps!

So what else has changed? Well I'm starting to lose a few lbs. Nothing dramatic - I'd love the weight to start falling off me like everyone says it will, but it's not happening yet and at the moment I'm ok with that. I think the weight loss is more down to a better overall diet and more exercise rather than anything else but hopefully there will be bigger and better results to come in the not too distant future! 

So why the better diet and exercise regime? Is it linked to sobriety? Well yes - kind of. Waking up in the morning without a hangover means I'm not constantly craving sugar (although sleepless nights caused by my 2 year old do still trigger that!) My meals are typically pretty healthy but I still snack badly during the day (particularly afternoon and early evening). What's changed is the evening binge eating. I won't say it never happens....chocolate at "that" time of the month still feels like a necessity (surely it should be available on prescription?!) but it's the odd night now rather than every night. I've also upped my exercise particularly cycling - again not because I particularly set my mind to doing so but that I needed some way to deal with stress/anxiety/boredom etc etc - all the things I used to use alcohol for. I've found getting out on a bike ride has really helped and I'm really enjoying it (despite the slightly sore bum!). So already in 5 weeks I'm fitter, healthier and a little lighter. I'm also a lot less spotty! Just the occasional hormonal pimple and that's it.

The other thing I've noticed a change in is my mental health. I still have good and bad days but overall I feel so much calmer. Far less quick to react and spark an argument, more measured and crucially for me able to see so much more clearly the good stuff in my life and not just the bad. I am seeing things so differently to before and finally understand the whole gratitude thing that I have read about but never really thought worked.

So is sobriety the silver bullet to fixing all my problems? It would certainly seem so.

I thought about this a lot on a recent bike ride and realised that it's not so much the silver bullet but the missing domino. OK that probably sounds crazy but bear with me here...! 

So many times in the past 10 years I've built up the motivation to kick start changing the things I'm unhappy with in my life. Each time it's a similar pattern - I make the initial changes and that usually helps one or 2 other things start to fall into place and then it all stops. Something always happens to make me fall off the wagon so to speak. So it's like each of the steps to being happy are set up like a tumbling dominoes course. I get the motivation to knock the first one down and slowly the other dominos start to fall but then there's a domino missing on the course and the momentum stops. That missing domino I believe is alcohol - whenever I start improving things, alcohol gets in the way and puts a stop to it.

With alcohol out of my life I feel like I can make the changes I need to and the results might not be instant but each days things feel like they are getting a little better. I'm not in the rush for instant results like I usually am - I'm trying to enjoy the journey (although a stone or 2 falling off in the next couple of weeks would be amazing! 😂) Each time I feel disheartened that improvements are not coming as fast as I would like I focus on how far I have come in just 5 weeks and how quickly that time has passed. Who knows where I will be in another 5 weeks.

So no sobriety is not a silver bullet - it's not going to miraculously fix my life, but it is going to ensure that the hard work I put in place to make the right changes is not undermined and the positive results negated out. Right now I'm feeling good. Life is not perfect but it's ok. It doesn't feel like the uphill struggle that the past few years have done and really the only thing that has changed is my sobriety so I'm grateful (see there it is!) to be on the journey and really looking forward to what comes next.

SMB xx