Falling down and getting back up again

 


Wow I can't believe it's been nearly 2 months since I last posted. It's been a real rollercoaster time if I'm honest. I can't pin point what it was that made the cart run away, but it really did and I fell off. I fell off the sobriety wagon, my mental health suffered and things started to unravel. There was definitely an element of the pandemic effect that contributed. The non-stop juggle of having 2 young kids at home, plus an au pair and both myself and my husband working from home was starting to take its toll. Add in the on-off dilemma of whether or not we would get a summer holiday and I felt broken. I felt like I really needed a break but even if I took time off it would only be work taken out of the equation - all the other balls would still need to be juggled and I needed more than that. So instead of coming up with a sensible plan I opened a bottle of wine to blot it all out......and then another.....and another..... (with a couple of bottles of whiskey thrown in for good measure). I should say this was over a few weeks - not all in one night - but I was easily getting through 2 bottles of wine and a few whiskeys some days.

I knew that I needed to sort it out but the final straw was a Tesco order. Of all the things it was an online grocery order that kicked my butt back into action. Basically I got drunk, forgot to checkout my order and on Monday morning my weekly shop turned up with a pineapple, Manuka honey and ice lollies. Hardly going to feed 5 people for the week is it! Even worse, I realised my error when I woke at 4:30am (with my contact lenses still in and now stuck to my eyes) and then mentally beat myself up about it until I got out of bed and nursed the hangover with tea, orange juice and water. It wasn't a case of hitting rock bottom, but I felt totally crap and even now I'm still pissed off with myself that I'm back here again.

But I am here and I'm taking the steps forward just like before. This time I know where I'm going and what it's going to be like so it doesn't feel quite so scary; but I do need to work out how to stop the same cycle happening again. I can see the pattern and it's one I was warned of.....you feel like you've cracked sobriety, and something happens that makes you want a drink. Maybe it's a celebration, or a stressful day but the urge comes. Now this is nothing new, but what changes is you think "well I don't think one will hurt". Maybe even someone else will say "the occasional drink won't hurt" (as was the case for me), but before you know it you're a bottle of wine down and reaching for the 2nd. What I also found was that having got used to drinking soft drinks in the evening I was suddenly drinking even faster than before so the bottle of wine disappeared before my eyes.

So here I am back again on Day 2. What am I going to do differently? Well I'm trying to remember that I need to take a holistic approach but ramp that up a little. I want to focus on fitness (cycling predominantly), diet (I've discovered juicing and really like it) and my mental health (taking the time out for me). Easier said than done but I think I need to find a way of reminding myself every day (and sometimes several times a day) of what I want to achieve. If anyone has any ideas I'd love to hear them, and I'll let you know in a future post if I find anything that helps!

For now I'll sign off here, but I promise I won't leave it so long next time!

SMB xx

Comments

  1. SobrieTDecember 4, 2020 at 1:51 AM

    I realize this was written months ago, but I hope you are well! I find daily dog walks while listening to Quit Lit on Audible is something that I really look forward to. Bubble baths with a good book do wonders for me as well. I don't have a gratitude journal, but I think that they are great! I also like to picture myself a year from now, and imagine what I want that future me to be like.

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